I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
This is the high leading the old right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize