You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
