I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize