just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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