i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
