First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think I sprained my soul last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
