Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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