i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
