he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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