I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You were trust falling into bushes
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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