I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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