we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
