Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
