The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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