and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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