ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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