if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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