In the future we'll all be gay
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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