im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
