he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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