$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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