Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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