So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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