Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
