I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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