I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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