she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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