Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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