how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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