Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
