Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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