If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
