I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
