Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
