how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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