Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
