Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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