Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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