There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
