Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
