When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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