dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
