i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
