OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
