when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
