my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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