im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I won the penis lottery.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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