new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
