By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
