you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
