Cold hands, warm shart.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
