the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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