doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
