Banned from zoo.
Again?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
