I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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