i will never coherently bang her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
